


The Heir of the Phoenix

by Tomash



Series: Response Center #112358: Peregrin and Taq [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Genre: Mary Sue, PPC Mission, Phoenix royalty, Phoenixes, Poorly thought out plot elements, character replacement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 18:29:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20050591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tomash/pseuds/Tomash
Summary: Peregrin and Taq deal with a phoenix princess Sue who replaces Hermione and is Fawkes's daughter.





	The Heir of the Phoenix

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The Protectors of the Plot Continuum, created by Jay and Acacia, is used with Permission. Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling. The fic being criticized in this mission, [“The Heir of the Phoenix”](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5117045/1/The-Heir-of-The-Phoneix) belongs to GoddessHecate89. Thank you to Calliope and Iximaz for betaing!

RC 112358 was quiet. The only sounds were those of Peregrin writing in a notebook, Taq occasionally turning a page of his book, and the background hum of the lights.

And then it wasn’t.

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

“‘N I just got to the big fight, too,” Taq grumbled, setting down his copy of _Deathly Hallows_ and going to accept the mission on the console.

Peregrin, meanwhile, was chasing down the pen he had dropped when the console had startled him. “You could pack the book,” he suggested. “You may have time to read on the mission.”

“Got it.” Taq started reading the summary on the console. After he made it through the first sentence, he shouted, “You gotta come see this! It says ‘ermione’s Fawkes’s daughter.”

Peregrin came over and skimmed the summary. “Hm, yes, with nebulous new powers and a romance with Snape. There is also a mini in the summary, along with several sentence fragments.”

“Think it’ll be as bad as las’ time? All that jumpin’ around made my ‘ead hurt.”

“You ought to be more acclimated to time skips by now, though there are many other headache-inducing phenomena roaming the worlds.”

Taq nodded. He wasn’t quite sure if that was a yes or a no, but being openly confused wasn’t the best idea.

“Would you like to collect the charge list this mission?” Peregrin asked. “To be clear, you are free to refuse.”

“I’ll do it, boss.” 

A brief look of irritation crossed Peregrin’s face at that reply.

The agents went to grab their equipment, swapping in the Muggle-use wands that were off in a corner somewhere. 

As Peregrin was about to open the portal, Taq said, “Hey, boss, don’ we need disguises?”

“Oh, yes, yes, I almost forgot, thank you, Taq. So, we should, this is near Potterverse… Hogwarts students. Do you care for a particular house?”

“Gryffindor for sure,” Taq replied.

Peregrin took a minute to program the disguises, setting himself to Ravenclaw. Once both agents looked younger and, in Taq’s case, more human, Peregrin pulled up the portal and stepped through into the fic. Taq followed closely behind him.

A second copy of the summary rang through the hazy gray pre-fic landscape. “Hm, this copy is different,” Peregrin remarked. “It specifies this is set in seventh year, for example, which means she should not be at Hogwarts and—” 

A mini-Aragog bumped against Peregrin’s foot, interrupting his thoughts. He bent down to pick up the spider, which held out a leg calmly. The attached tag read _Fawks - please return to RC 815_.

“Taq, could you open a portal to RC 815 please?” Peregrin asked.

“On it.” After some fiddling about with his RA, Taq opened up the portal and Peregrin put the mini through it. A voice from the other end said “Thanks!” as the portal closed.

Around this time, the fic began and left the agents standing on top of the locomotive for the Hogwarts Express thanks to Hermione’s compartment being **on the large red steam engine**. Nearby, a bread roll in a straw hat walked past the train on one leg and one arm.

“That is an impressive number of—_ow_.” A spare period from an overlong ellipsis clipped Peregrin’s arm as he was staring at the Words. “—typos.” 

Taq, on the other hand, was paying attention to his surroundings and therefore managed to dodge period number five of three. “We gotta hide,” he said as Harry and Ron started coming towards Hermione’s compartment.

Peregrin took another look at the Words. “We could instead join the group in the compartment. The narration leaves room for a few more students.”

“Yes, boss,” Taq said as he followed Peregrin in. 

“Don’ think ‘ermione’s s’posed to look like that,” he whispered, looking at how **[h]er Bushy hair had as if over night decided to die completely and start to lighten to almost a dirty blond. And her once brown chocolate eyes were now becoming lighter as well and changing colors.**

“No, she is not. Changing her hair and eye colors, along with the sudden hair straightening, are charges,” Peregrin said quietly. “As are Harry’s **shimmering green emerald eyes** and, on account of one of many missing commas, **red hair freckles.**” 

Taq noted these issues down slowly, making sure all his letters came out the way he’d been taught to write them.

Meanwhile, Hermione was explaining that she’d just woken up with her new look one day, and somehow jumped from this to the conclusion that she might be adopted. Then, both agents winced and covered their ears as **the compartment filled a pregnant silence** by making every hinge squeak in a slightly different pitch. Fortunately, Ginny, who was apparently her best friend now, broke the silence by commenting on how sexy she was.

“Ron liking her old appearance makes—”

**"But the other way you were ugly and no one wanted to your friend and I could ask you to do anything….."**

“Never mind.” Peregrin reached for his pen, but stopped when he remembered Taq was taking charges.

“These extra dots are gettin’ out of hand,” Taq said as he dodged a few sets. “Can I crack ‘er ‘ead open with ‘em?”

“Not yet, sadly,” Peregrin said. “We need to gather more charges. I can look ahead to see where...” He trailed off as he looked up, preparing to read ahead, while Hermione’s anger made the compartment heat up before **Fawks** suddenly appeared again. “Maybe in a chap—”

_THUNK!_ A flying _**~dream~**_ transition smacked Peregrin in the chest.

“_Ow_,” Peregrin moaned as he sunk into his seat.

“You OK, boss?” Taq asked, getting up to check on his senior partner. 

Suddenly, the world tilted. The compartment, along with the rest of the train, disappeared. Taq caught Peregrin before he fell down because his seat had suddenly disappeared in the transition to the dream sequence. 

The agents had been dumped into a large room that was surrounded by a column of magma, which was held back as if by a force field. In addition to the agents, the room contained Hermione and two people on thrones. _**The woman's eyes were violet and her hair was black and atop her head held in place with a crown that had diamonds in it's headset. The man's eyes were blue and his hair was black as well and cut to his neck while he wore a simple crown on his head with emeralds and diamonds. **_Thanks to the typo, the two crowns were also gold-plated headsets with jewel-encrusted microphones.

Peregrin regained his balance and got to his feet, with some help from Taq.

“Let’s split those,” Taq whispered, pointing at the crowns.

“If we can recover them.”

As the conversation in the dream began, Peregrin pulled out a notebook. He was planning on taking notes on the scene, since it might not be the best place to talk, but he got distracted by a new research idea about a line of dialogue later.

The woman called Hermione to the thrones, and the man revealed that he was **Fawks**. Hermione _**gasped as the simularities came to her mind**_. This lead to Fawkes’s human form being controlled by puppet strings held by the mini-Aragog.

_ **"Hermione child, we." [The man] motioned to his wife and himself.** _

_ **"We are you birth paretns my dear you are the daughter of two phoenix royalty."** _

Taq’s gaze jumped to his notepad as wizards, who were _**dressed in matching outfits fit for royalty Wizards**_, warped and twisted into the shapes of parentheses. 

_ **suddenly it all clicked in her mind.** _

_ **"that;s why i was glowing just a few minutes ago when Malfoy made me so pissed?"** _

_ **nodding her head the woman smiled.** _

_ **"yes my dear. my name is Senka Ombra your father's name is not Fawks that was given to him in his animagus form his name is Itzal Ombra, and your birth name we gave you when you were born is Zilla. I know our names mean shadows, but for some reason it's what we were named."** _

“Self-awareness, but still this?” Peregrin muttered.

Near the end of the dream, Peregrin wrote “Portal to Great Hall please” in a corner of his sheet of notes and showed the request to Taq. Taq hit some buttons on his RA and pointed it back at the other agent. The characteristic blue hole in space opened up beside Peregrin, who walked through, followed by Taq. As the scene ended behind them, a mini-Aragog skittered through the portal behind Peregrin, who didn’t notice this, and ran off to hide.

The two agents stood around a corner of the Great Hall. No one seemed to be around yet, and Peregrin looked up at the sky. “We have about half an hour, if the timeline is typical.”

“D’you think ‘ermione’s a replacement, boss?” Taq asked. “Looked like it to me, but ‘m not sure.”

“Why do you think that?” Peregrin asked. He agreed with Taq’s conclusion, but wanted to see how he’d gotten there.

“Well,” Taq said, “‘er ‘real name’ is **Zilla** ‘cause she’s adopted or somethin’. ‘n ‘er hair’s different.”

Peregrin chimed in when Taq stopped between sentences. “Those are indicators, though not conclusive. Go on.”

“Big thing is ‘er parents are phoenix royalty, or maybe they’re people who turn into phoenixes. Can’t tell. Oh, ‘n ‘er dad’s Fawkes. ‘E got renamed too.”

“Mm-hm,” Peregrin said, expecting Taq to continue.

Taq waited before continuing, trying to get a better feeling for whether his rather senior partner disapproved of him. “Maybe Fawkes is replaced too, boss?” he said, uncertain.

“We will have to see,” Peregrin said. “I have not read too carefully. We could get a reading tomorrow morning. Did you notice anything else?”

“There’s probably a bunch of typos. Couldn’t get a good look at the Words to catch them though.”

Peregrin waved a hand dismissively. “We can summarize that complaint, it is not critical.”

“Was gettin’ worried they’d want all of ‘em, boss,” Taq said.

“This is not Technical Errors work; we do not need to count the commas.”

“So… do we kill ‘em, or pull out a CAD, or what?” Taq asked.

“It seems we have probable replacements,” Peregrin said, “but I think we need to gather more evidence. I would also rather not risk breaking another CAD so soon.”

“Got it, boss,” Taq said, straightening up. Peregrin went over to the Ravenclaw table, sat down, and pulled out the math he was working on earlier, and Taq joined him there.

A few minutes later, Peregrin noticed what Taq was up to, or rather, what he wasn’t up to. “You could use this time to read if you wanted,” he suggested.

_Well, if ‘e says it’s fine, I guess I can_, Taq thought. He pulled out his copy of _Deathly Hallows_ and got back to finishing it.

A while later, before the students arrived, the professors took their seats. Dumbledore flickered in and out of reality at the head of the staff table, as the initial mention of it being seventh year conflicted with him still being alive.

Taq caught a glimpse of the Headmaster, winced, and looked away. “And I was just gettin’ to the big fight with Voldemort,” he grumbled as he put his book away.

Taq’s comment startled Peregrin away from his work. “Hm?” he said, looking around in confusion. “Oh, yes, mission soon. Thank you for the reminder.” 

“No problem, boss?” Taq replied. He was still rather confused by Peregrin, who always seemed to by trying not to be in charge, even though he obviously was.

Peregrin cut in on Taq’s thoughts. “As I said before, there really is no need for you to address me as your superior. I do not have, nor do I want, the authority you are giving me.”

“Got it, boss.”

Peregrin sighed.

“Do I need to switch to Ravenclaw?” Taq asked a moment later. “To blend in?”

“No, you should be fine,” Peregrin said. “It falls under the Somebody Else’s Problem field if nothing else.”

A few minutes later, the students started filing into the Great Hall. **Girls talked and gossiped with their girlfriends and pointed out the hot guys in the school while the guys would look at the girls and rate who was hot and who was not to their guy friends.**

**Hermione Granger was the odd girl out always, instead of make-up dresses and guys, she would rather take herself away from the world curled up on a window seat with an old book and read for hours lost in the world of the pages she read.**

**But today she had no book to hide away in, no having met her Father Fawkes on the train earlier that evening Hermione's mind was in overdrive.**

_ **If I'm really the royal phoenix princess than why do I look nothing like my parents?** _

**She thought to herself as she picked at her food on her plate.**

Peregrin quickly took a peek at the narration. “I do have to give Zilla credit for noticing the fact that she does not look anything like her supposed parents,” he said.

Taq didn’t notice the comment, as he was busy practicing reading the Words. Soon after Peregrin’s observation, he figured out more of the trick to it, and read:

**Ron Weasley was inhaling his food faster than a seeker could find the golden snitch in quidditch, and that was saying something being that his best friend was the youngest seeker in the world and fastest seeker in quidditch history.**

“Hey! Hey!” he said loudly to Peregrin. “I got ‘em! An’ not jus’ for a bit!”

“Very good,” Peregrin said. “I knew you could do that with some practice.”

“Thanks, boss.” Taq said. He looked at the Words again, and frowned. “I can still do it! ‘n’… the story’s sayin’ Ginny Weasley’s a **slut**, which jus’ ain’t right at all.” He got his notebook out and read through it. “Can I jus’ put ‘making the Weasleys into terrible people’ or somethin’ on here, or do I need each bit?”

“‘Weasley bashing’ is a typical charge, it should be enough.” 

Taq wrote that charge down.

Fawkes appeared in front of Dumbledore and had a telepathic conversation with Hermione that the agents somehow overheard. As Dumbledore asked Fawkes for advice about having the professors take apprentices, Taq asked, “Is the whole mind-talkin’ thing real here?”

“Not typically, aside from the Sorting Hat, but that is distinct... You might want to note it. Also, the line about—”

**Hermione smiled as her father stroked her head in his animagus form making it seem like he was stroking her head with his hand.**

_ **Take 4 feathers from me, two from the tail and two from the wings. Wear them in your hair at all times.** _

**Reaching up, Hermione as gently as she could, remove four feathers, and watched as her father flew back to Albus's chair. Everyone looked at Hermione as she took out her wand and spelled the feathers of fire and gold into her hair so that they were part of her hair.**

“”Wha?” Taq asked.

“—apprentices could be setting—not sure, keep watching—” Peregrin rambled as everyone turned to stare at Hermione, “up a relationship with Snape.”

**Hermione was about to take a sip of her goblet when Draco Malfoy walked over.**

**"Granger, why would a Phoenix the most royal of all magical creatures give you the most honorable thing a wizard could ever been given?"**

**Hermione looked at him.**

**"What do you mean Fawks just gave me his feathers..."**

**"Wrong Granger, that phoenix just gave you the protection of the phoenixes. It means that should anyone harm you mentally, magically and emotionally they face the royal phoenixes, which Fawks is the king of the phoenixes."**

“So why did he not do this much earlier?” Peregrin said incredulously.

As Draco explained the situation and tried to find out why this had happened, Taq wrote a word down on his sheet and then shook his head. “Yeah. This jus’ don’ make sense, boss.”

“I agree. This fic clearly has not thought through the implications of this new faction.”

Hermione left the Great Hall **with her hair flying behind her** and **the once bushy brown uncontrollable hair melted away to reveal Black straight hair and where the phoenix feathers once were now appeared strikes of red and gold woven into the black tassels that became her hair**.

Hermione’s old hair left a trail of thick, viscous liquid behind her. “Canon must be quite broken,” Peregrin observed. 

Taq wrote that down. “Got it, boss.”

Peregrin sighed again. “You still do not need to defer to me in that way.”

Taq shrugged and set off after Hermione, who went off to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom to talk to her dad. The agents followed her to sneak in along with Harry and Ron. As they made their way through Hogwarts, Taq decided to risk testing something. “‘M addin’ ‘changin’ hair color twice in one day’ to the list.”

“Oh, yes, good idea, though someone might argue that it is minor.”

When Hermione got to the bathroom, she called for her dad, who appeared and turned human. She told him that all the attention was too much and she would have preferred more of a warning when it came to attention-grabbing changes.

“Reasonable,” Peregrin said quietly, “though Fawkes probably should have handed this **law of the phoenix** book over earlier.”

“Is ‘er attitude becomin’ different because of this law thing a charge?” Taq asked.

“We may not need it, but yes,” Peregrin said. “These royal phoenixes are rather poorly thought through in general.”

Fawkes then pointed out that Harry and Ron had been hiding around, and demanded they both swear Unbreakable Vows to not reveal what they’d just overheard.

**Harry held up his hand and swore to the vow. A mark of a phoenix appeared on his hand right below his thumb. But Ron snorted "I knew you weren't a simple mudblood." and he stormed from the bathroom.**

**Hermione gasped** along with the agents. “Ron wouldn’t—!” Taq exclaimed.

“Snape romance would be difficult to start when Ron is around, so he needed to be removed from consideration,” Peregrin muttered.

“‘e doesn’ _say_ things like that,” Taq ranted on as he and Peregrin followed Ron back to the Great Hall at a distance. “Sure, ‘e’s been a jerk, but not like _that_!”

“Would you like to handle the assassination?”

“Hell yeah, boss!” Taq would have shouted, but he didn’t want to draw attention, so he settled for a very excited tone.

In the Great Hall, Ron was telling the whole school about what he’d seen. When he’d finished announcing Hermione’s real heritage and who Fawkes was, said phoenix flew in and then transformed back to human. 

**"You have violated the law of the magical world Ronald Weasley, when one is under the protection of the royal phoenix he or she is not to be harmed and when one is called by a royal phoenix to give an unbreakable vow one must accept that request.[...]”** Fawkes said to Ron, continuing on to complain about how Ron was putting Hermione’s life in danger and how Ron was letting his **predigests** influence him.

Fawkes then asked the whole school to swear not to reveal what they’d just witnessed unless Hermione or Fawkes allowed them to. Everyone but Ron went along with this and **on their right hands under their thumbs appeared a small black phoenix** afterwards.

“This power really should have been used to deal with Voldemort,” Peregrin said. “It would not have been particularly difficult.”

“Oh yeah,” Taq said. “You could just ‘ave ‘im promise not to try to take over or somethin’.”

“Yes, yes you could. Or to not kill Muggleborns, or several other things.”

**Ron Weasley crossed his arms.**

**"I refuse to take part in the vow."**

**Everyone gasped. Draco walked over to him.**

**"You are a pureblood and therefore are bound by magic greed to when asked by one of such stature as Lord Fawks has commanded, must accept the vow. Now either take the vow or you will be stripped of your magic, you wand broken and memory erased of your family and your life as Ron Weasley and you will be forever known as Jason Mason a Muggle 17 year old teenager who lives on his own."**

“On top of the grammar, this is a very transparent ploy to get Ron out of the way,” Peregrin said.

“‘s the name a charge, boss?” Taq asked. “‘It don’ sound real.”

“I do not know enough about World One naming conventions to be certain, so charge it provisionally. We can ask someone before we submit the final report.”

After Ron refused some more, **suddenly 6 other phoenixes appeared in a flash of light and transformed into humans each wearing a crown. Ron watched as everyone in the hall bowed to them.** A few paragraphs later, one of the phoenixes was snapping Ron’s wand as Hermione came into the hall.

Hermione asked what was going on, and Draco and **Baisel Zambini** rushed up to her to act as her guards. She was **shocked** but didn’t actually do anything about the fact that Ron was getting banished from the magical world. Once Ron had been removed from Hogwarts, **Hermione sighed.**

**"I knew Ron was shallow I just didn't relies how shallow."**

“This enough, boss?” Taq asked Peregrin.

“Probably. I still am not entirely sure she is a replacement, but there are certainly more than enough charges. We could take a reading if we want to be careful, though we will need to wait until—ow!”

**hermione**, who’d wandered in from the dream and been occasionally wandering into the action, had decided Peregrin’s foot might be tasty and tried to bite it. Peregrin reached down, grabbed the mini, and asked Taq for a portal to HFA. Once the portal was up, Peregrin gently put the mini-Aragog through while avoiding the mouth. 

While the agents had been taking care of the mini, Draco offered to “**educate [her] on all the ways of the purebloods**” and Hermione accepted the offer with a smile. The agents watched the rest of the conversation as it led to her going off with Draco to the Slytherin table to start her etiquette lessons.

“Replacement,” Peregrin declared once Hermione had sat down. “Any suggestions on how to handle this?”

“Get ‘er into an empty room after dinner?” Taq suggested. “We’d need to stun the bird quick once ‘e pops in so we’re doin’ one person at a time and we don’ get more of an army comin’ in.”

“Good plan. I have an idea for the initial lure, so should we get some food while we wait?”

The two agents relaxed and enjoyed the opportunity to eat something that wasn’t Cafeteria food for free.

While they were eating, Taq said, “We’ll need to stun Draco, I think. Can I do it, boss?”

Peregrin thought for a moment. “Should be workable,” he replied. “Why?”

“‘E reminds me of ‘n old boss I didn’ like much,” Taq muttered.

* * *

The agents finished up eating before most of the students did and slipped out of the Great Hall. They found a small classroom on the second floor. Taq moved a desk near the door, then ducked behind it, waiting for everyone to come by so he could fire stunners.

Peregrin, for his part, went off to wait for Hermione near the Great Hall.

He didn’t have to wait long. As Hermione, Draco, and **Baisel** left the feast, he went up to Hermione. “Your eminence,” he said, “my family has an ancient relic that was lent to us by the queen of the phoenixes until her heir appeared. I have it hidden in a classroom, and I can return it to you now if you and your guards follow me.”

This seemed quite plausible to the Sue, so she followed Peregrin as he went up the stairs towards the room. He knocked, then, when no one responded (as planned) opened the door. “After you, Princess,” he said, with just a note of snark on the title.

Draco looked into the room first to check the area, and was met by a roared “_STUPEFY_” from a man inside in Death Eater robes.

Peregrin pointed his wand at the Sue’s back and whispered, “_Petrificus Totalus.”_ Unfortunately, his arm twitched, and the spell narrowly missed—

—and hit the royal phoenix, who had just appeared to defend his daughter. A moment later, there was a thud.

Hermione spun around and pulled her wand out to cast a curse at Peregrin.

_THUNK_. She didn’t get the chance, as Taq slammed her head with the flat of his blade.

Peregrin barely dodged the collapsing heap of Sue, and Taq dragged her into the room, shutting the door once Peregrin had stepped in.

“Well, so, I suppose we can wait until that rather fortunate stun—thank you for that, by the way—and—”

“Phoenix king first, boss?”

“Oh, right, yes, could you charge him, please?” Peregrin said. “I am still regaining my wits.”

“You got it, boss,” Taq said, and Peregrin didn’t protest the title. He took a moment to consult his notes, and then began.“Fawkes, or Itzal Ombra, ’m a PPC agent, ‘n ’m chargin’ you with replacin’ Fawkes, bein’ king of the phoenixes in a way that breaks the whole story, bashin’ the Weasleys, havin’ your name written a lot of diff’rent ways, ‘n being involved in this whole stupid mess. Your sentence is death.” He paused, then turned to Peregrin. “Wait, what was the plan ‘ere again, boss?”

“I do not remember making one,” Peregrin replied. “Hm… how to kill a Phoenix animagus… well, I suppose phoenix immortality would not apply… except it did… except that was canon, though it could carry, it would follow… but if we could, right, spell for that. I have it!”

“Hm?”

“Throw him to the basilisk while he is human. It would be suitable. Well, it would have to be the Academy’s basilisk copy; I do not know if opening a portal to before the beginning of the series is advisable given the timeline inconsistency we have seen.”

“‘e might run for it? Making ‘im turn back’ll take off the curse you hit ‘im with.”

“I can throw him through the portal after you fire the spell,” Peregrin suggested. “You have better aim, after all.”

Taq passed Peregrin the RA so he could open a glowing blue hole through to the Chamber of Secrets. Once the portal was ready, Peregrin grabbed ‘Fawkes’ and stood beside the portal, and Taq hit him with a _Finite_. Peregrin threw the suddenly-human replacement through to the Chamber as forcefully as he could, which led to him landing right next to the portal.

Peregrin slammed ‘close’ as a hissing noise started up from the other side. “So, for the Sue, since we have time, throwing her into the lake via a portal at the bottom of a tower should be sufficient and is not particularly overused. Gravity is quite good at what it does, after all.”

“Works for me, boss.”

Peregrin took two tries to get a portal going. Before he went through, he dropped his disguise so he could use the newmatter rope around his waist to tie up the replacement. After he’d done that, he took her wand and snapped it.

“I would prefer to have that cord back after this,” Peregin said. “Since you will be throwing, can you hold her?”

“Sure,” Taq said, stepping over to the Sue.

“May I have your notes please?”

Taq gave Peregrin his notebook, and Peregrin flipped through it. “Good, good, you covered the main points and were clear, and your handwriting is very clean. You have a librarian’s hand. Very useful all around.”

“Thanks, boss.”

Taq picked up the Sue, stepped through the portal, and held her out over the edge of the tower. Peregrin followed him, and started fiddling with the RA. “Far end… hm, orientation… set.” He leaned forward and aimed at a spot on the ground a few feet away. When he pressed the big green button, one end of a portal appeared there. “Can you aim her into that tunnel?” Peregrin asked. “I would rather not have to clean.”

“Sure I can, boss.” Taq said. “No problem.” 

Then Peregrin went over to the Sue and, managing to aim correctly this time, revived her. Once she was awake, he intoned, “Hermione Zilla Ombra Granger, also known as Hermione and Zilla, by the authority duly vested in me by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum and on the basis of the evidence before me and my partner, I do now charge you as follows.”  
  
He looked down at Taq’s notes. “You have replaced Hermione Granger, acting entirely unlike her in multiple respects, including your willingness to join Draco Malfoy and Slytherin House for lessons in pureblood etiquette, a state that you attempted to explain through the invocation of an alleged phoenix law.  
  
“Additionally, you have radically altered Hermione’s appearance and parentage, making her a daughter of a replacement of Fawkes. You have created so-called royal phoenixes, given them legal standing that would have bypassed the main conflict of the series if used reasonably, and become their princess. You have gravely defamed the Weasleys and driven Ron out of character, causing him to use slurs. Furthermore, you have driven Ron out of Hogwarts and contrived circumstances to enable a planned relationship with Severus Snape. 

“Finally, you have brought about many typographical errors, along with other minor offences too tedious to list. In addition, my partner charges that your story is ‘really stupid’.”

Peregrin paused.

“What?” Hermione shouted. “You can’t do this, I’m a princess!! My father will hear of this!”

“For the protection of the multiverse, I sentence you to die immediately,” Peregrin continued, pulling the knot he’d tied earlier open. The Sue wiggled her arms. “Taq?”

With a shout, Taq hurled the Sue into the portal down below before she could try anything.

Once gravity and portal physics did their jobs, she made a resounding _splash_, though the agents were too far away to hear it. Then, the world seemed to straighten up a tad as the effects of inconsistent capitalization went away. Taq shrugged. “Huh, didn’ notice that ‘til it was gone.”

“Intermittent errors can have minor effects like that,” Peregrin replied. “So, as to cleanup—Hermione, then Ron, and then Draco?”

“Works for me,” Taq replied. “Draco can wait.”

The agents re-disguised themselves and handled the usual post-assassination work, helped by their lucky guess that Hermione was stuck in a plothole in the history section of the library (specifically, behind a massive technical text on the development of the Wizengamot). Chasing down **Baisel Zambini** took a bit of work though, as he had gone off to clean bathtubs in the Slytherin dorms and didn’t want to leave until he had finished his “polishingses”.

Soon, the mission was over and the agents returned to their RC. Taq sat down, remembering _not_ to comment on finally having some reading time, and started finishing the last chapters of _Harry Potter_. 

Peregrin, however, had quite forgotten what he had been doing when the console went off, and didn’t have any good ideas at the moment, so he reverted to his usual pastime—wandering the halls until something came up.

Several minutes later, he ran back into the RC, grabbed a whiteboard marker, and started writing something down. 

He didn’t seem to notice that the area he was writing on was full of equations already.


End file.
